Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
