Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
