I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
