Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
