He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
