I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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