yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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