At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
