the condom got lost in my hair
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
