"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
