watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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