my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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