Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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