I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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