The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I need water and some morals
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
