tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
