She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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