I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
me + whiskey = a bad person
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
