My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
