Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
