Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
