Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
