His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
