Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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