Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
