I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
