I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
