You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
