The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
