Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
