you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
