The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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