That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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