mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
