How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
