I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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