I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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