is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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