You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
