Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
