Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
