Don't you send me to vm
I hate your face
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
