I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
