loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
