my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
