So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
