grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
