you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
