I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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