Four minutes until I can fart!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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